


I Am Not A Man

by MoonwalkerShawol



Category: SHINee
Genre: Androgyny, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderfluid Character, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Other, Queer Character, Queer Themes, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Transgender, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:21:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26631295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonwalkerShawol/pseuds/MoonwalkerShawol
Summary: Minho is tall. Minho is muscular. Minho is good looking. Minho is the typical man you can found around. Women fall easily for him, men jealous him.But Minho never felt like a man.Because she is a woman.
Relationships: Choi Minho/Lee Jinki | Onew, Kim Jonghyun/Lee Taemin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	I Am Not A Man

When Minho was a child, he wanted to surprise his mother. He went to her closet and picked a dress, some high heels and accessories. He even put makeup on himself.

When Minho looked at him in front of the mirror all dress up, he felt good.

_She was herself._

_ « Mommy look ! I am a girl ! » _

But the effect didn’t go as what _she_ planned.

_She_ was reprimanded violently by her, and that made _her_ cry.

_ « Never do that again, I am clear ? You are a BOY, not a GIRL ! » _

That night, he never felt this sad in his life. His father reprimands him too when he came back from work.

Minho’s puberty was the worst. He have grown tall compared to his classmates, beard and body hair grow too and his voice was extremely deep. Guys were jealous of him because he was good looking, girls were drooling over him.

But when they had to change clothes, he was always hiding himself in the bathroom. He was so uncomfortable seeing people watching his body that he started wearing the baggiest clothes for not showing his forms.

This is also at this specific period that it went worst with his parents. And that’s the last time he did that and rejects his inner self for not being a burden for them.

Minho's parents gave him his usual amounts of money every month. Usually, he will just spend it on video games or food.

But this time, he didn’t.

He saved up for three months since he discovered that store in the city.

It was a cosplay shop. Minho wanted to go to a real shop but he wanted to be discrete.

He saw that sailor uniform being sold. There were so many sizes that he found ones that would fit him. He also found some shoes in his size and some knee sock. He was so afraid when he went to the counter for paying. But the cashier said nothing to him, and when he gets out with his prize, he was so happy. 

He was even more happy when he saw nobody was at home, he could try it immediately and hide it right after.

Buttoning the shirt, wearing the skirt, the tie, feeling the knee sock on his legs. 

And a wig. Long hair with a fringe. 

Minho looks at himself in the mirror.

He was smiling. He turns around for making the skirt flying. 

Minho felt like himself. 

Finally _her_.

_ « Minho are you… » _

His mother.

_She_ was petrified.

She was looking at _her_ like a sort of freak.

_ « What is… » _

_ « Mom… I can explain… » **She** says shaking. _

_ « I don’t want any explanation from you. ANY. You change yourself right now and give me this. » _

_ « What’s going… Minho ? » Said his father. _

_ « Dad… » _

_ What the hell do you think you are doing ? » _

_ « It’s… It’s nothing… I am going to change… Please don’t hate me… » _

_ « You are my child, and I will not. But you are my son. Not my daughter. I have no idea what is happening in your head for wanting to be dressed like that. Just change you, and give this to us. We will not talk about it after, but I am disappointed in you. » _

He closed the door right after. 

Minho felt terribly ashamed that day. He changed himself and gave the sailor outfit to his parents.

And he cried all night.

Until this day, he never attempted anything. He actually denied _herself_. He started to work out and being a very muscular person, wearing very masculine clothes. 

Being the most popular boy in school by girls. The typical sporty boy. 

Minho graduated from High School and enter university. 

He moved out from his parents house and had his own apartment.

_ « Be a good boy and have good grades » says his mom. _

_ « See you during holidays, my son » _

Minho feels like his stomach twist every time they say that. 

_ « Boy » _

_ « Son » _

This feels so wrong inside of him. But he promised to his parents that he will not do it again. That _she_ will not come out.

*~*

The first day at university, he was a little stressed. He arrived at the campus and every girl he encounters were looking at him. 

He bumps into someone.

« I’m sorry ! »

« Minho ? »

« Jinki ? »

Jinki is two years older than him. They knew each other in high school, and he became his little brother in some way.

Except that Minho always had a crush on him. That’s also when he realized he likes men. 

But he knows that Jinki is straight. He had a lovely girlfriend in high school. And maybe he naturally has one currently.

« So, first day at university finally ? »

« Yes… You are in your third year right ? »

« Yes ! My last year before starting the real stuff. I have to go but I hope we can meet on the campus or an another time ! I miss you a lot, you know. »

He gave a piece of paper to him.

« Here. It’s my number. You can call me or text me if you need anything about your study of about university. Or if you want to just talk casually. Hope to see you later ! »

And he left.

_ « I’ve missed you too, Jinki… » _

Minho just sit alone in the class. There was only a group of guys and some girls waiting.

But then, someone enters. 

A gorgeous woman. High heels, long hair, nails done. With a shirt and a tight skirt. Makeup on. 

She was so attractive. And it didn’t go unnoticed by the group of guys.

She sits not far away from Minho. 

One of the guys of the group came closer to her.

« Hey young lady… You are extremely pretty you know ? How about taking a drink after class ? »

The woman barely looks at him with an eyebrow raised. 

« Are you sure you want a drink or you desire me to suck your dick ? »

A deep masculine voice is coming out of her mouth.

The guy is making big eyes.

« What.. You… »

« From your reaction, I don’t think you are into guy. But I can change that if you want ~ » He says with a smile.

« No… It’s… Just forgot what I’ve said. Bye ! »

He returns with the group he was, his friends mocking him.

Minho had observed everything. He was scouting the feminine guy.

_She_ wished so much to dress like him. 

« Do you want the same offer, boy ? »

Minho looks at him, surprised. His belly turned by the name.

« Ah… No… Sorry… »

He solely looks at his hand, uncomfortable.

The androgyne was observing him. 

His reaction wasn’t unfamiliar.

He too knows this reaction much.

He stands up and just sits right next to him.

« Hey sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. »

« It’s okay. I suppose you have this type of thing everyday. You have to make an armor. »

« Kind of, indeed. » He says smiling. « What’s your name ? »

« Minho. Choi Minho. »

« I’m Lee Taemin. Nice to meet you. As you can hear, I’m a guy. But you can call me he, she, weird, angel, whatever you want I clearly don’t care. »

« Okay » He said laughing.

« How about you ? »

« What do you mean ? »

« How I am supposed to call you ? »

Minho looks at him.

« … A man, I guess ? »

« You guess ? »

« Hum… »

« If you are talking about appearance, indeed you look like a guy. But if we talk about this only, this doesn’t, in fact, work you see. I look like a « woman », but I am a man. Do you see ? Your pronouns are not defined by your appearance, but what you feel inside of you. Do you understand ? »

Taemin was looking at him. With his eyes, he was declaring something.

_ « I know your secret. » _

« Good morning everyone, sorry for being late. I will be your… »

The class started and the conversion ended here.

But Lee Taemin wasn’t done with him.

*~*

Taemin and Minho were leaving the building, while talking. 

That’s when they perceived a man at the front of the university entrance, landing on an expensive car. All the girls were drooling over him from a far. 

He was indeed, gorgeous.

Taemin just runs in his direction and hugs him.

« Hello Baby » Said the man laughing.

« Hello Honey, missed me ? ~ »

The man kissed him in front of everyone.

The girls were all disappointed. 

Minho arrives in front of them.

« Oh my God, sorry Minho I left you like crap. »

« It’s alright. »

« Jonghyun, this is Minho. He is in the same class as me ~. Minho, my boyfriend Jonghyun. »

Jonghyun was scrutinizing him from head to toe. Minho was extremely uncomfortable, and Taemin saw that.

« Hey ! Don’t start to scrutinize every guy I encounter ! Jealous man ! »

« Sorry, Babe… » He says awkwardly. « Nice to meet you Minho. »

« Nice to meet you too… »

« Do you want us to drive you home ? »

« That’s nice of you, but I just live five minutes by feet of university. »

« Oh… Alright. See you tomorrow then ! Don’t forget to text me ! »

Taemin gives a last goodbye, and Minho observes the car going away.

« Why are you always jealous when I meet new men ? »

« I think I can, no ? He is gorgeous and well built ! »

« But I only love you. Don’t forget that Honey ~ » He said caressing his cheek.

« You are obligated to only love me. » He said kissing his hand.

Taemin laughed.

« On a serious note, he reminds me of myself. »

Jonghyun frown.

« What do you mean ?

« When I enter class he was looking at me up and down. But not like the previous bastard who I’ve told to fuck off. He was envying me. »

« To dress like that confidently ? »

« I think. But it was more like I was being me. And I envy you for that. He is hiding something behind that muscular masculine figure. »

« Like wanting to dress like you ? »

« I think there is more than that. »

« Is this what I am thinking ? Because if that’s the case, it’s going to be more complicated than what Kibum did to you. »

« I know. I know that too well. But I want to help. »

*~*

_ « Your pronouns are not defined by your appearance, but what you feel inside of you. Do you understand ? » _

These words keeps repeating in Minho’s head.

Pronouns.

He always thinks about it. 

Minho was standing naked in front of the mirror. 

Gently touching his neck, his torso.

From what he is seeing with his well-built abs and pecs and what is between his legs.

He is, indeed a man. 

But inside…

He is not.

_She_ is not.

Saying _She_ feels right. So right.

_She_ took his manhood and hides it between _her_ legs.

Making this disappear.

_ She. Her.  _

That’s _her_ pronouns.

But _he_ can’t.

He promised his parents. 

_She_ can’t go out. 

He let himself crying, in a ball.

_ She will never come out. _

*~*

« Hey Min ! »

« Hello Taemin »

It’s been four months since university has started. Taemin never asked about pronouns since the first day. He wants to figure out by himself if what he is thinking is true.

He started by calling him « Min ». Not Minho. From what he observed, he likes it.

And he’s right, Minho loves when Taemin calls him « Min ». 

It’s neutral. It feels more comfortable. He is so grateful that Taemin has started to call him like that.

« Do you want to go to my home tonight for the project ? I think we should start it. »

« If you want. »

« Jonghyun will not be here until late so will have plenty of time. »

« You live with him ? » He says surprised.

« Yes ! Since I started university since it’s much closer. »

« I’m fine with it. »

They went into the apartment right after class.

It was more like a loft. Everything was in the same room. Just the bathroom was in a different place. 

« Do you want to drink something ? Or eat too ? »

« Drinking is just fine. Thank you ».

While Taemin was taking some things to drink, Minho keeps looking at the wardrobe. It wasn’t in a close closet, just hanging outside.

There was Jonghyun one, very masculine and oversize. Mostly black and white clothes.

And Taemin. Taking practically all the space. All colorful. Skirts and elegant dresses everywhere. There were like two pants. One pair of sneakers and the rest was high heels. 

There was a makeup room just in the right of it. 

Minho was particularly looking at a dress. 

The dress was red, with some decorative feather on it. It was a dress for a special occasion. 

Minho didn’t even realize that he was actually taking the dress out of the wardrobe and looking at it more in detail.

« You want to wear it ? »

Minho practically left fell the dress.

« Don’t be stupid… » He said laughing nervously. 

« So why are you taking it out of my wardrobe ? »

Minho was trapped.

« I… I don’t know… It’s just pretty and I wanted to look at it more in details. »

« You really think I will believe that ? »

Minho was trying to found the most excuse possible.

« I can’t wear it. I’m a man ! » 

« I am a man, too. »

Minho just sighs.

« Min… »

He looks at him.

« You want to wear it, right ? Be honest with me. »

Minho was looking at him.

And he saw in Taemin’s eyes that he wasn’t judging him.

He wasn’t his parents. He was concerned about him.

« If you are worried that I will laugh hysterically at you or scream because you are a « boy » I will not. I will never do that and be judgmental. »

Minho was seeing how much Taemin was actually worried.

He couldn’t lie to him.

« Yes… » He said in a whisper.

« Yes ? »

« Yes. I want to wear it. But it would never fit… I’m too tall and too muscular… »

« I don’t think. This dress is too large for me actually. I think it will fit you. And about being muscular, you can lose it you know ? »

He knows that too well. He never likes it.

« If you want to change, you can go to the bathroom. »

Minho went in.

He realizes how crazy this idea was.

But Taemin was right, the dress fit him. His arms are too muscular, but it fits him.

He just gets out of the bathroom, embarrassed.

« I told you it would fit ! Gosh you look good in it ! But there is something missing. »

Taemin was searching in a box.

And he lets out a bra.

« I think with this it will be better. »

Minho takes the bra. Feeling the texture in his hands. 

He never wore one. He was so happy to wear it.

Taemin even put some cushion inside for making it more push up.

What’s your size of shoes ? »

« Fourty two. »

« You are very lucky, because Jonghyun has the same size as you. And just for joking one day, I’ve took him high heels » He said laughing. « It was comical. But I think you will wear it better than him. »

Minho lets his feet inside. 

It was so wonderful. The feeling. 

And he knows very well how to walk in it.

« That’s not fair, you walk better in heels than me ! »

Minho just laughs.

« It’s not finish. Make over time ! »

Taemin puts makeup on him.

Minho loves the feeling of the brushes against his skin.

« Pinch your lips. Good. Now a wig ~ »

He takes a brown wig, with a fringe. 

« Do you want curls or want it straight ? »

« Curls. »

« Good taste. »

It took some times, but the result was gorgeous.

At least, from Taemin’s side. Minho didn’t saw himself.

Taemin took his cellphone.

« Before you see you, I want to take photos ~ Pose for me ! »

Minho did it shyly at first.

But he felt so comfortable that he really posed like a model.

« Yes ! Like that ! Oh my god I am so jealous, you look so good ! »

« Can I see me ? »

« I’m home ! »

Minho froze.

Jonghyun.

« Oh ! Hi Honey ! ~ You came sooner ! »

« H.. Hi… Minho ? It’s you ? »

Minho was feeling uncomfortable. 

What a stupid idea. 

He wants to hide.

« It’s not Minho ! It’s Min ! At least for now, we need you to found an another name. Looks how gorgeous she is ! »

Minho just look up shyly to Jonghyun.

« You look beautiful, Min. »

« Re… Really ? »

« Yeah. I mean it. I didn’t recognize you at first. »

« See ? I told you ! You want to see yourself now ? »

Yes… »

Taemin put him in front of the mirror.

« Tadam ! »

Minho was shaken.

They were right.

He is beautiful.

_She_ is beautiful. 

_She_ was looking at _her_ back, _her_ face much closer.

_She_ broke down crying.

« Mi… Min ? »

Minho couldn’t stop crying. 

It was the first time _she_ was _herself._

And _she_ knows after today that _she_ will never come back.

Taemin just embrace _her_. 

« Hush… It’s alright… »

Jonghyun even came enlacing _her_.

_She_ felt safe. 

_She_ tried to calm her down.

« So… Sorry… »

« Min… » Said Taemin cupping his cheeks. « Be honest with me. »

_She_ looks at him, eyes all red.

« You’re transgender, right ? »

Some tears restart to fall on _her_ cheeks. 

_She_ nods.

« I am a woman trapped in a man body…. »

It’s the first time _she_ is talking about it.

_She_ restarts to cry.

Taemin enlace _her_ tight.

« I am here… I will not leave you. You hear me Min ? Never. »

_She_ nods.

« Do you want to spend the night here ? You can take one of my pyjamas. »

« I don’t want to disturb both of you… »

« You don’t Min. » Said Jonghyun

« You’re sure ? »

« Yes, you don’t. Please stay with us tonight… »

Minho finally accepted and stays the night. 

« How do you want us to call you ? »

« What do you mean ? »

« We use She right ? »

Minho actually never thought about that since Taemin asked the question.

Using _She_ feels indeed right.

« Ye… Yes. »

« And your… Name ? »

« Huh ? »

« Do you want us to call you Min or do you have a female name ? »

« I’ve never thought about that… »

« It’s alright. You can find it later ~ But from your reaction I think we will call you Min instead of Minho, right ? »

« Yeah.. If all of this doesn’t bother you. »

« Min. It’s what makes you the most comfortable that is important. Not us. »

They actually changed themselves in a pajama. 

Minho was wearing one of Taemin’s one. It was like an old on. Right from the 50’s. 

It felt so great.

« What your parents think of this ? »

« …They don’t know. »

« Why ? »

« When I was little, I’ve cross-dressed… One time in front of my mother and she badly repressed me and saying that I was a boy and not a girl. The second time it was in front of them by accident. I’ve bought a sailor uniform. And a wig. They were so disappointed and I give them the clothes. We will not talk about it, they said. And we didn’t. I’ve never let that part of me being shown. I’ve tried to appear the most masculine I can by going to the gym, cutting my hair short, wearing classic boy clothes. I thought it will maybe pass… But it doesn’t. I feel trapped. I never go to the public bathroom because I don’t know which one to take. I buy my clothes online, never in shop. I’m avoiding everything… »

« You need to meet Kibum. »

« Who is it ? »

« Kibum is my best friend. I’ve met him when I was in high school. I… I was like you, before. I’ve been mistaken has a girl quite often when I was younger and I’ve never like it because I was mocked for that. It was not a compliment. So I tried everything to be masculine. I did the same thing as you. And the second year of High School, Kibum was in my class. And he is the one who came to talk to me. Because I was alone and not very social at that time. He saw directly how bad I was in my skin. And he helped me to accept myself. Which means, an androgynous person. I am androgynous. I can’t do anything about that. But Kibum helped me to accept it and embellish me. He taught me that wearing skirt, dresses, heels are not only for girl. Make up either. And here I am today. Wearing « girl » clothes. I am not transgender like you. I am biologically a man, and love it. I love my body. I love men too. And I’m fine with it now, because it was a struggle being gay too. So, I think meeting him will be great for you. »

« About being gay… Are you Min ? »

« It doesn’t work like that… Since I am a woman, I am… Straight ? I don’t know if it makes sense. When I fall in love with a man I fall in love with the feeling that I am a woman. »

« I see… »

There was a silence between them.

« I don’t know if Taemin told you, but I am straight actually. »

« Really ? »

« Yes. Before meeting Taemin I’ve never liked a man. At first, I thought Taemin was a girl actually. We were watching us far apart. »

« You can say we were crushing on each other. »

« Yes » He laughs. « And after some times of walking around, I made the first step. And I admit that I was quite shaken when I’ve heard his deep voice. But I didn’t stop at that. We had a date. He was nice. He was still good looking. I was falling in love with him. »

« So we dated and here we are ~ »

« That wasn’t easy at first. It was kind of odd for me to saying that I was dating a man knowing that I feel like I am straight. »

« And also in bed, it was complicated » He whispered.

« Taemin ! »

« What ? That’s true ! Our first time was a disaster. And not only just the first. This poor boy didn’t know what to do at all. »

« I’ve only had straight sex. It’s normal ! It's not like school is teaching us about it. »

« But he got better and now he is extremely good ~ But I am not going to expand too much on it. »

« It’s not like you already didn’t do it. »

Minho was laughing. 

« Did you date Min ? »

« No… I’ve never. »

« And do you have a crush on someone ? ~ »

« Hum… Well… »

Minho went red.

« OOOOH ! WHO IS IT ? TELL ME ! »

« Taemin, calm down. »

« His name is Lee Jinki. He is two years older than me. He was like my « big brother » in some way when I was in high school. »

« He is at university ? »

« Yes but… »

« I NEED TO ENCOUNTER HIM. YOU ARE GOING TO PRESENT ME TO HIM OK. AND NO BUT. »

« It’s over, you can’t change his mind. »

Minho just sighs.

« Min… »

« Hm ? »

« You can’t be like that all your life… »

« What do you mean ? »

« That one day you have to tell to your parents about it. »

« But I promised… »

« Promised what ? Of being sad and unhappy all your life ? »

Minho pinched _her_ lips.

« It’s your happiness that matters. Do you imagine living all your life with the wrong body ? At one moment you can’t stand it anymore. »

« I know… »

_She_ looks down.

« I’ve thought about ending my life, you know. And it’s not that far away. Because I will never be me. So… What was the point of being here ? I don’t want to loose my parents. I love them dearly… »

« Maybe they will accept it. You don’t know. »

« They will not. I know it. When they talk to me, they always said « my son », « my boy ». Like they kind of know already. But they emphasize for me to not change. »

Taemin pinched his lips.

« How did your parents react ? » Minho asked.

« That didn’t came as a surprise. Since I was little, they mistook me. When I’ve started to wear skirts and dresses, they were alright with it. My mom is actually jealous of my legs. » He laughs.

He smiles thinking about it.

« About my sexuality… It’s an another story. It wasn’t a surprise, but… They would have preferred that I date women. But they love Jonghyun a lot. They accept him. My happiness is the most important for them. Their opinion is their opinion. My dad always said to me « Look, I’ve lived my life as I wanted, so do you. ». Nothing more to say about that. »

« And you, Jonghyun ? »

« Well, there was a shock, I’m not going to lie. » He laughs. « I was quite known for being « the ladies man » if I can say. So, when Taemin came for the first time… It was unusual, but in a good way. My sister said to me that maybe biologically it’s a man, but he looks exactly like my type of woman. It was the same at the end. »

« It’s cute. »

« But it’s the same thing as Taemin. My happiness comes first. So, do you. Your happiness comes first, Min. Always. Not all the people in the world would be happy about your choice. Including your family. »

« I don’t think « choice » is the right term, Honey. »

« That’s true, sorry. You didn’t choose to be a woman… »

« Look, you are not obligated to say it to them right now. But since you live in an another city, you can live at least how you want there. Which means dressing like you did not long ago. And I will be your guide for this ~ ! And I will call Kibum ! »

« Thank you so much… Both of you… »

Taemin takes him in his embrace, following by Jonghyun.

Maybe they are right. He can live his life fully now that he lives alone. 

He can be…

_ Her. _

*~*

_ « Sorry ! We are coming in ten minutes Min ! » _

Minho is in her apartment. Today, Taemin and Jonghyun will come at her place.

With Kibum.

She is kind of anxious and excited at the same time. She doesn’t know Kibum, and apart from Taemin and Jonghyun, she never talks about it. 

They are late, but it’s unsurprising coming from Taemin.

« We are here ! » He shouts. 

Taemin hugs her very tightly. Jonghyun does the same, less tight than his boyfriend.

And there is Kibum.

The first impression of him is confidence. He is quite tall, very avant-garde. 

He intimidates Minho.

« You are Min, from what I see. »

« Yes… Nice to meet you. »

« Nice to meet you two. Please don’t be scared, I’m not going to eat you. »

« Kibum ! She is nervous, it’s normal. Apart from us, she never really talked about it you know. »

« I know. Or I will not be here. »

Kibum looks at her place.

« Show me all your clothes. »

« Ah… Yes, of course… »

Minho took all of her shabby clothes.

Which is not a lot. Four jeans, seven large t-shirt, three sweats, a coat and two pair of sneakers.

« That’s it ? »

« Yes… »

Kibum looks at it like it’s the end of the world.

« Is it that bad ?… »

« No, Min. It’s just… »

« It’s just worst than I expected. » Said Kibum nonchalant. 

« Kibum… » Says Jonghyun.

He shows him the look.

« Be more nice. It’s difficult for her. It’s not like Taemin. It’s not just a change of wardrobe. »

« Sorry, that wasn’t my purpose of showing it like that. »

He takes one of the t-shirts.

« This is so large… Why ? »

Her voice got stuck.

« Hiding my horrible body. » She whispers.

« Your body is not horrible… » says Taemin worried.

« For you, no. For me, yes. Living with a body which doesn’t correspond to your mind is atrocious. I wish it to nobody. You feel miserable all of the time, asking yourself why ? Why am I not born in the right body ? Why do I have to go through all of this ? »

Minho feels like crying.

« It’s just unfair… Not only because I have to go under many procedure, and not just physically but also mentally. And not just about myself. But about the others. Especially my parents. They didn’t ask for that. But the thing they don’t understand, is that I didn’t ask for that either. Who wish to go through this honestly ? Some people saying this is unnatural, weird or whatever they said. They really think we are happy to go through all of this ? Feeling like shit all the time, wanting to have surgery when we know it’s going to be painful as hell. Do they think we are happy, to go through surgery ? Of course, we are happy with the final result. We are finally us. But all the procedure ? The hours at the psychologist, psychiatrist and I don’t know who for hours, the multiple painful surgeries. The daily injects of hormones. Every morning until the rest of our lives. Do they think we are happy, to do that ? Don’t they think we wish in the morning to just wake up and be in the right body and not thinking about it ? That just made me mad. Completely mad. »

Taemin takes her in his embrace, letting her cry.

« I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said that… »

« No, that’s me. I take you as a punching ball, sorry… »

« It’s good sometimes. I do the same with them » He says pointing at Jonghyun and Kibum, who sighs at the remark.

« If only it was that. » says Kibum.

« I can be the most horrible little shit they come across, and they would still love me. »

« Who says you weren’t already ? » 

« Hey ! »

« Anyway, I’m not here for fighting with you. I’m here for her. Look, Min. Jonghyun said it wasn’t about clothes. But it can be a real help. »

« What do you mean ? »

« We are going to shopping. Taemin told me that you bought your clothes online, which is understandable. »

« Oh no… Please… »

« You are not going changing in the dressingroom, don’t worry. We are not going into the « men » category either. You are just going to do a wonderful thing : buying what you want. Sounds great no ? »

« What I want ? » She said exciting.

« Yes. What you want. Nobody will be here to judge you. And if they do, we are going to just punch them. You are just going buying whatever you like. »

« This is so cool ! I am going to know your taste ! Maybe we have the same ? »

Jonghyun smile at that. He is happy for Minho, but he is also happy for Taemin. Apart from Kibum, he doesn’t really have a friend to share the same interest as his. He is his boyfriend. He supports him. But it’s not like Jonghyun wants to dress like him. 

He hopes they can complete each other.

*~*

Kibum drove them into the largest mall of the city.

A place Minho never put a foot in. She is thrilled.

« Oh my God, it’s so big. »

Taemin never got there either. Majority of his clothes comes from thrift shops. He just likes more this kind of shop.

« Are you alright, Min ? » says Kibum in front of the shop. 

The shop is the biggest of the mall. Also the cheapest. He didn’t forget they are students. 

« Excited and thrilled at the same time. »

« Then, it’s good. Shall we go ? »

« Yes. »

With little foot steps, Minho enters.

Of course, the first department is woman clothes. 

Minho looks at them, in admiration. 

Touching some of the outfit with her finger.

Her friends are not far from her, but still let her space.

There is a skirt that she likes in particularly. She reminds her of the school uniform she bought when she was younger.

She was about to take it when she saw two women looking at her.

Judging _him_.

Asking with their eyes _« What are you doing here ? »_

An awkward smile came to _his_ face, pretending _he_ was just looking at it.

« Do you want this skirt ? »

Kibum.

God, he scared her.

« Hum… »

« You want it. »

« Yes… »

« So, why don’t you take it ? »

Minho looks at the ladies in front of _him_ , still looking.

« Because of them ? »

Minho just let _his_ face down.

« Do you know them ? »

« No… »

« Do you want to know them ? »

« Not at all. »

« Are you going to see them again later in your life ? »

« No… »

« So ? »

Minho looks at him, dumbfounded.

« So ? »

« You want this skirt that maybe you are going to keep all of your life because of the look of two women that you will never see again ? »

_He_ looks at the skirt.

« Do you hear how stupid that sound ? »

« Yeah.. Kind of. »

« So, what do you do ? »

« I take it. »

« Exactly, you learn fast. I love it. »

Minho takes her size and go through the shop.

Following by Kibum who gave a piercing eyes at the two ladies, translating by « if you ever come across my friend I will cut you out. »

Actually, Minho taste is quite different from Taemin.

Taemin’s style is more a « grown » woman style. A lot of blouses and tight skirt. Pumps. Working woman style.

Minho, it’s all the contrary. She likes cute clothes. Pastel. Cute ribbon. Frilly. Lace. Cute little images on the shirt. Very « girly ». That’s why maybe she listens a lot to girl groups with a cute concept. Or maybe because she was attracted by their clothes.

Minho was trying a ring which looks like a ribbon.

But it doesn’t fit on either of her finger. Too big.

That’s also one of her problem : the size. She is not even sure that the clothes she takes will fit her.

With a disappointed look, she poses the ring.

But Kibum take it.

« Don’t fit ? »

« No… »

« You can found an another one, you know. »

« It’s not that… It’s the problem with the majority of what I want. I don’t even know if what I took will fits me. Even in the bigger size. »

« It’s alright. I’m sure it will fit you. »

« I’m unsure. The worst is the shoes… »

« Hey guys ! Look what I’ve found ! »

Taemin comes back with two baskets full of clothes.

« Wow… » says Minho.

« We came for Min, not you ! »

« But this shop is lovely ! I would go there every day ! »

« I don’t think my bank account can survive that… » says Jonghyun.

« Please, honey ? » he says pouting.

While Taemin was begging, Minho pass the other area of the shop.

The underwear one.

It wasn’t the biggest deal for Minho about this one.

She was just luring. She always did. 

She loves underwear a lot. Seeing all the cute lace, the print. It’s so lovely. 

And the bra. Oh gosh, she wants to wear one. 

This time, she doesn’t care. Minho goes directly through the area.

She doesn’t bother about what the girls are thinking at this tall muscular man looking at cute panties.

Minho touches the fabric of the panties, the bras.

She wants it so much. 

« It’s cute. » Says Kibum. « You have good taste. »

« Thank you. But not my size, as always. »

« Even the largest one ? Underwear is very different from clothes in terms of size. I’m sure the largest one should fit you. »

« You think ? »

« Excuse me ? »

Kibum and Minho looks at the man talking to them.

« Yes ? »

« Can you go to an another area of the shop, please ? Some women told me they felt uncomfortable with two men looking and touching at women underwear… »

« Are you trying to say we are pervert ? »

« That’s not what I am saying sir… »

« That’s exactly what you are saying. »

« Please, I don’t want any fight with you sir or calling the security. Can we do this quickly and calm ? »

« Quickly and calm ? If I am in this area it’s because I want to purchase some of them ? When we see women in our underwear area I don’t see any complain, so why it’s a problem for us to be here ? It’s unbelievable, I- »

« Kibum. »

Surprised, he looks at her.

« I’m sorry for my friend, sir. We will live the area. Sorry for the inconvenience. »

« But Min ! »

Minho drags him out of the area. 

« Why did you do this ? » says angry Kibum.

« Because this is the reason I don’t go shopping at the mall. For this. This exactly. Being the center of attention, being rejected like that. I don’t want any of that. Any. Do you understand ? Even if I try to not care about. »

« Look, I’m sorry- »

« I don’t care you are sorry. »

Minho gives him her shopping bag.

« Leave me alone. I will deal with this alone, like I always did. Thank you for your help. Say bye to Taemin and Jonghyun. »

« Min ! »

She just goes away.

——

_ « Please, Min. Respond to your phone. I am worried, it’s been one week I didn’t saw you. Call me when you receive this message. » _

Minho listen to the last vocal message of Taemin. She lost the number of vocals he sent.

It’s been one week she went away of the mall. She didn’t go to university or either see Taemin for one week.

One week of hell.

Minho wants to end it. Cease all of this. Whenever she will go, she will be judge. 

She can’t anymore.

The knife cuts deep in her skin.

Living long trail of blood on her arm. On her laps.

A deeper one.

Blood.

And Blood.

And darkness.

*~*

Her eyes hurt.

The light is too bright.

Blinking.

White walls.

_ Beep. Beep. _

The smell.

Hospital.

How did she end up there ?

« Min ? »

Taemin.

« Hey… »

He hugs her and cry heavily.

« How did I end up here… »

« I was so worried… I went to your apartment multiple times but you never responded. I thought you were never there. But four days ago I asked Jonghyun to come with me and completely burst the door. We discovered you lying… With blood everywhere… It was atrocious Min… I thought you were dead… »

It’s been four days she is sleeping ?…

« I’m sorry… I just couldn’t… »

She cries.

« That hurts so much I can’t anymore. I just want to end it… »

« Min… You are not alone. I am here. Jonghyun is here. Kibum is here too. We are here to support you. I’m sorry it didn’t go well last time. But we are here for listening and helping you. »

« How is KIbum ? I’m sorry about last time. »

« He’s alright, don’t worry. I’ve done the identical thing as you the first time. I went away. He needs a lot for being hurt. »

Minho leaves a small smile on his lips. 

« Please, don’t kill me. But I’ve called your parents. »

« Oh God… »

« I tell them nothing. Just that you have something to tell. Because it’s the reason why you are here. »

« Taemin… »

« No, stop. Just stop. I don’t want to see you here again. It’s time to live your life fully. Or you’re just going to not live at all. »

Minho sighs.

« When are they coming ?

« In one hour. »

Minho looks blankly at the ceiling.

« This is the last day I will see my parents… »

« Why are you saying that ? »

« Because I know. I always knew from their reaction when I dressed as a girl. I know what will happen. »

She smiles vaguely at Taemin.

« I have one hour for preparing myself, at least. »

Taemin doesn’t really know what to say to her. He just wishes her parents will understand her. 

For him, if he has children one day, the happiness of his children will come first. He doesn’t understand why it is a big deal their son will become a daughter. Especially since they saw that early. Loving men is an another story. He knows that with his proper parents. 

He rests here with her for the one hour. Talking about nothing, what she misses at university. Trying to relax her the most possible. 

Until they hear the knocks. Taemin opens the door.

« …Who are you ? » asks his mother.

« I am the one who calls you. I’m Taemin. Nice to meet you. I will leave you now. See you, Min »

Minho’s parents are left alone with him. Completely confused of the specimen they saw.

« Minho… »

His mother hugs him. 

« Why ? »

Minho nibble his lips, head down. He doesn’t know how to say it.

« I… I have something to tell you. But before, I want to tell you that I love you both very much. A lot. I really love you. You are my precious parents that I will always cherish. Even if you don’t love me anymore after that. »

He takes a deep breath.

« But I need to say it. I need to let it out. Because if I don’t, and if I don’t live my life like I want… Next time, I don’t think I will wake up. »

« Is it that deep ? For you to... End your life ? »

« Yes, father. »

He gulps. Hands trembling. Taking a deep breath.

With a few words, he will end his suffering. 

And letting _her_ free.

He looks straight at them.

« I am not a man. »

Silence.

« …What do you mean ? » says his mom.

« I am a woman. Trapped in a man body. I never felt like a man. Since I was born. I’ve tried to be one. For you. But I am not. And I can’t anymore pretend to be something I am not. I want to be your pride. But as your daughter. Not your son. »

His mother was shocked.

« … I need a moment. I will go out. »

« Mom… »

She left, without looking at him.

Minho looks at his father. 

But there is a silence between them.

Any of them is moving.

Until is father sight.

« …I knew this day will come. »

« You knew ? » says Minho surprised.

« I knew and I didn’t nevertheless. From the things you did when you were younger, I let it pass and said nothing but I knew something was wrong. But… Not to this point. »

« What do you mean ? »

« I solely thought you were gay. I mean… You are, right ? »

« Yes… I mean… It’s more complicated… »

« Complicated ? »

« When I fall in love with a man, I fall in love as a woman. Not…As a man. So… I am straight. I don’t know if it’s clear… »

« No, no. I get it. »

« Are you… ok with that ? »

His father bites his lower lips.

« It’s not of my resort to be alright with this or not. I don’t have a judgement in this. I reprimand you when you were younger because I thought it was the right thing to do. I said to you I will never hate you. And I still do. I, will never hate you. As a son, or a daughter. You are a grown person now, Minho. If you felt like that all your life, then be a woman. If you will feel better, do it. Naturally in my heart, I will see you as my son. But I will accept you as my daughter. I don’t want to see my child sad like that to the point of wanting to end her or his life. »

Minho started to sob. And when his father took him in his embrace, he just cries heavily.

_She can come out, now._

« Thank you… »

« I love you with all my heart, don’t forget that. »

Minho smiles at it, drying her tears.

« What about mom ? »

« Don’t worry about her. She will accept it. She just needs a little more time. She’s from a more conservative family. »

« I hope… »

« Who was the person who greets us before living ? »

« Oh, Taemin ? He is my friend. I’ve encountered him the first day at University. He is a little older than me, he already graduated, but he does a specialization in his area. »

« I was puzzled at first. »

« He plays with it, don’t worry. » She laughs. « He has always been androgynous, but after works on himself with the help of his best friend, he accepts it now. As you can see. »

« He is beautiful. If he didn’t talk, I would have thought he was a woman. »

« That’s exactly what happened with his boyfriend. »

« Oh ? »

« Yes… He thought he was a woman too. They looked at each other from afar and finally when they started to talk to each other, that’s when he knew. But that didn’t stop him. He is a straight guy. I mean, he was. Knowing that Taemin was a man didn’t stop him. He fell in love for whom he was. He actually told me that he looked exactly like his type of woman. I guess it didn’t change for him. Wait, I think I have a picture of them on my phone. »

Scrolling through it, she finally found the picture.

« Here ! » She shows to her father.

Jonghyun was on a chair, with Taemin on his laps. He was looking lovely at him, while Taemin was smiling at the camera, enlacing his neck. Jonghyun was gripping Taemin laps, in a protective way. You can see that he loves him a lot.

« They are cute. They remind me of me and your mother when we were young. »

« Really ? »

« Yes… Time flies. »

Minho looks at the picture, smiling fondly.

« It’s because of them that I’ve made my coming out. They were the first one to see that I am a woman. They tried to make me accept it. » 

« That’s why Taemin called you Min ? »

« Yes… »

« You know, we would have a name for you if you were a girl… »

« Really ? »

« Yes… Do you… Want it to be your new name ? »

Minho felt like crying.

« Yes, of course yes. »

« Minjung. Choi Minjung. »

« Minjung… I like it… I like it a lot. »

« Then you will be my lovely daugther Minjung now. »

Minjung laughs.

This feels ridiculously pleasant to be true.

She wonders if she is not dreaming.

_ She. _

_ Minjung. _

_ Choi Minjung. _

The door opens.

Her mother comes, enlacing her.

« Do you know your father, and I, had a girl’s name for you ? » She said.

Minjung smiles.

_ Yes, everything will be alright. _

*~*

_ Two years later. _

She is late.

Her heels making sound on the floor.

Her skirt flying around.

Her long hair going back and forth.

Pretty makeup on her face.

She sees her friend, waving at her.

Smiling, she runs to him.

But she bumps into someone, her books failing on the floor.

« Oh my God ! I’m extremely sorry ! » says the man.

« It’s alright… » 

She freezes.

« Lee Jinki ? »

The man looks at her, dumbfounded.

« … Yes, that’s me. Do we know each other ? I don’t remember encountering you… »

She laughs, her feminine crystalline voice going into his ears.

_« She is gorgeous »_ he thinks. _« Charming. Cute. »_

« Yes… We know each other, but you knew me differently… »

She was blushing. Embarrassed.

« Do you know… Choi Minho ? » She says.

« Yes ! It’s been a while I didn’t saw him… Do you know him ? »

« That was me. »

Jinki looks at her. From head to toe. 

Confused. His eyebrows frown.

« Minho… ? It’s you… ? »

« Yes… I mean, I used to be. I am Minjung now. Choi Minjung. »

« Oh… »

Silence.

« I am a bit confused… I mean… Why ? »

« Why what ? »

« Why are you a woman now ? »

« Because I’ve always been. »

« You’ve always been… »

Minjung seizes the last book on the floor.

« I’m sorry, I need to go. I’m already late. I hope to see you soon ! »

She turns around, blushing. Her heart fluttering.

« Minjung ? »

She stops. She feels like her heart is going to explode.

« Yes ? » She says looking at him.

« Can… Can we take a drink together ? So… You can explain me everything that I didn’t know ? »

She blushes even more.

« Ah… Yes… Yes of course ! I have a class now and after I have nothing. We can, if you can. »

« I can, yes. We can see each other at the bar we used to go, what do you think ? »

« That will be great. See you later ! »

« … And Minjung. »

« Yes ? »

« Consider this as a date, too. »

He winks at her, with a little smile. And go away.

Minjung turns around, going to his dear friend.

« Why are you blushing like a tomato and walking like a robot ? » asks Taemin.

« … I have a date with Lee Jinki. »

Taemin’s eyes and hands at the sky with a loud _« THANK GOD »_ coming out of his mouth say everything to Minjung. 

Yes.

_ Everything will be alright. _


End file.
